We've Made it Big

We'll now be forever embedded in Ryan Braun's 2007 Sounds baseball card... that's us in the background. Abby is standing up in the blue and pink. Kelry is to the right of her behind the bat.

New Rules for 2007

Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com. There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days ---- mowing my lawn.

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols.

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Okay, we're done .

There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this junk at the supermarket. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, he will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the idiot. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double- shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge idiot.

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your butt. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." You're not spiritual. You're just a moron.

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too exciting.
I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your web cam, dude. I just want to wash my hands.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear "27 months." "He's two" will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If you do, then plan your future around the saying, "Do you want fries with that?"

Time Gets Better With Age

I've learned that I like my teacher because she cries when we
sings "Silent Night".
Age 5

I've learned that our dog doesn't want to eat my broccoli
either.
Age 7

I've learned that when I wave to people in the country, they
stop what they are doing and wave back.
Age 9

I've learned that just when I get my room the way I like it,
Mom makes me clean it up again.
Age 12

I've learned that if you want to cheer yourself up, you should
try cheering someone else up.
Age 14

I've learned that although it's hard to admit it, I'm secretly
glad my parents are strict with me.
Age 15

I've learned that silent company is often more healing than
words of advice.
Age 24

I've learned that brushing my child's hair is one of life's
great pleasures.
Age 26

I've learned that wherever I go, the world's worst drivers
have followed me there.
Age 29

I've learned that if someone says something unkind about me,
I must live so that no one will believe it.
Age 30

I've learned that there are people who love you dearly but
just don't know how to show it.
Age 42

I've learned that you can make some one's day by simply
sending them a little note.
Age 44

I've learned that the greater a person's sense of guilt, the
greater his or her need to cast blame on others.
Age 46

I've learned that children and grandparents are natural allies.
Age 47

I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems
today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.
Age 48

I've learned that singing "Amazing Grace" can lift my spirits
for hours.
Age 49

I've learned that motel mattresses are better on the side away
from the phone.
Age 50

I've learned that you can tell a lot about a man by the way he
handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and
tangled Christmas tree lights.
Age 51

I've learned that keeping a vegetable garden is worth a
medicine cabinet full of pills.
Age 52

I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your
parents, you miss them terribly after they die.
Age 53

I've learned that making a living is not the same thing as
making a life.
Age 58

I've learned that if you want to do something positive for
your children, work to improve your marriage.
Age 61

I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.
Age 62

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers
mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.
Age 64

I've learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you.
But if you focus on your family, the needs of others, your
work, meeting new people, and doing the very best you can,
happiness will find you.
Age 65

I've learned that whenever I decide something with kindness,
I usually make the right decision.
Age 66

I've learned that everyone can use a prayer.
Age 72

I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be
one.
Age 82

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch
someone. People love that human touch-holding hands, a warm
hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.
Age 90

I've learned that I still have a lot to learn.
Age 92